i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
