please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
