If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
