If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
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Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
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Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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