You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I hate all girls vehemently.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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