she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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