In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
