I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
