i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
