Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
time to smoke my breakfast
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
