I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
