I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
