I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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