I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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