last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
