My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
