i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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