He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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