Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
