At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
