She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
The air taste purple.
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