There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
