I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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