This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
