FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
