How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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