My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
