I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
