: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
