so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
