The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
