I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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