At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Randomize
