one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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