Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
