I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The beer is more important than you right now.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
