Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
