Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
