So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
