You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
