Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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