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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
