I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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