he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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