I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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