The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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