you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
