Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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