Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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