I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
