Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
