Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
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He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
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Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Pants are for mortals
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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