chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
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He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
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My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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