can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
