So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
should my penis look like a turkey
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
