enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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