I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
