3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
