The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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