I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
