I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
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Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
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You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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