I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
