I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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